she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
