Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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