You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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