Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
