OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
