Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
