apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
