Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
