First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
