you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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