If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
