Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
