We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
