i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
