i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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