can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
