so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
