Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize