I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
