this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
