I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
