Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
