Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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