We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
