I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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