you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
