That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
