Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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