there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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