Just fell off a train. Bad.
It's Friday. Sex?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
A bitchslap is in order.
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