Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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