I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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