Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
