I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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