i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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