i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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