I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
