Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
