I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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