i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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