I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
