I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
