I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
