I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We need a shit load of segways right now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
