so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
