did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
