he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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