His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
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Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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