God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
