it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
