oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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