just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
His hands were made for my vagina.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
