Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
