she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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