Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
