she woke up with a sticky ear
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
