I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
