It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
