The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
