I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
