So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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